The Glorious Quotation Topic (Warning: Anything Goes)

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Shroombuck
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Re: The Glorious Quotation Topic

Post by Shroombuck »

Quite long for a quote, but it's glorious.
Shroombuck wrote:When I go on a public aeroplane, opposed to my own, I often hear something on airfields that they call the airline announcements. I always try to pretend that the language they are using is actually Her Majesty's English. Yet it doesn't seem to be, unfortunately. The whole thing starts when I get to the gate. The first announcement: 'Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to begin the boarding process.'

Look at that, an extra word: 'process'! It's not necessary, is it? Boarding is enough, wouldn't you say? 'Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to begin the boarding.' Simple, it tells the story, doesn't it? People often add additional words because they wish things to sound more important than they actually are. For instance: 'boarding process' sounds important, really. Well, guess what? It isn't! It means there are a bunch of people getting on an aeroplane. People like to sound important. When the weatherman on television talks about 'a shower activity', it sounds very important. I even heard a fellow on BBC mention 'London is expecting a rain event'. Well, holy shit! I hope I can get bloody tickets to that! Another one: 'the police have responded to an emergency situation.' No, they haven't! They have responded to a simple emergency, we know it's a situation, because everything is a god damn situation!

Now to continue. As part of the boarding process, they often say 'we would like to pre-board.' Well, shoot me! What exactly is that to begin with? What does it mean to pre-board? Get on the aeroplane before you get on? Anyway, as part of this pre-boarding they say: 'we would like to pre-board those passengers whom are traveling with small children.' Well what about those passengers travelling with large children? Suppose you have a two-year old with pituitary gigantism? You know... those six-foot infants with an oversized heads. With a child such as that you would perhaps be better of checking that fellow in with the luggage. Well they like it under there after all... its dark and they are used to that. About this time in the boarding process someone is telling you: 'please do get on the aeroplane, sir.' You know what I say? I say: 'fuck you! I am getting in the bloody aeroplane! You can let Evel Knievel get on the aeroplane.' I would rather be in with the fellows in uniform, seems to be less wind after all.

Once you are on the aeroplane they might tell you 'Ladies and gentlemen, we are on a non-stop flight.' Well, smack me in the face please? I insist that my flight stops, preferably at an airfield. It's those sudden unscheduled country fields and real estate development stops that seem to interrupt the flow of my excellent day, really. You know a term that has changed over the years since the 1980's? The term 'stewardess'. First it was 'hostess' then 'stewardess' and now it's 'flight attendant' and sometimes they refer to these people as 'uniformed crewmembers' They are uniformed? Really? You mean uniformed as opposed to that chav who won the national lottery and is now sitting next to you in Business class with a dirty t-shirt and a 'fuck you' cap on?

The most annoying of all would probably have to be the 'safety lecture' before take-off. Well, truly I do immensely enjoy this lecture, especially the part how to use the seatbelt. An aeroplane full of mature human beings - many whom are partially educated - and they are actually taking the time to describe the intricate working of the seatbelt. Well fuck me please? 'Please place the small metal flap into the buckle.' Of course, I asked for clarification at this point, for it is too difficult to comprehend, really. I am a simple man. I do not possess an engineering degree or am mechanically inclined. The working of the seatbelt, that's some high-tech shit, really!

The safety lecture continues... 'please do locate your nearest emergency exit.' Well, I do this immediately and plan my route to the emergency exit. After all, it's not always a straight line to the emergency exit. Sometimes one can find a really big-fat-fuck sitting in front of you. Then you probably realise you will never be able to climb over him, so you look for children, midgets, crippled, paralysed veterans and anyone who looks to be emotionally disturbed. The latter being particularly handy. So my route is: go around the fat-fuck, step on the midget's head, push those children out of the way, knock down the paralysed veteran and successfully climb out of the aeroplane, at which point I can help my fellow passengers.

Again, the safety lecture continues... 'in the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure...' What? The roof flies off? '...an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place this mask over your face and breathe normally.' Let's see; I have no problem with that. I tend to breathe normally when I am in a six hundred mile per hour uncontrolled vertical dive, after all! Then they tell you to adjust your oxygen mask before assisting your child with his. Really now? Did you seriously expect me to be told that? I will probably be too busy screaming to help my child to begin with. I think this will be a marvellous time for my child to learn self-reliance! Fairly simple, I would say. A little rubber band at the back of his head, not nearly as complicated as a seatbelt, I suspect.

The safety lecture continues again... 'In the unlikely event of a water-landing...' Do tell me; what exactly is a water-landing then? Am I possibly mistaken to think that this is probably similar to: crashing in the fucking ocean? '...your seat cushion can be used as a flotation-device.' Imagine that! Just what I need, floating about the Atlantic for several days! Now the following sentence is composed of words that are not very much to my liking: 'before leaving the aeroplane, please check around your immediate seating-area for any personal belongings you might have brought on-board.' Really? Let's start with 'immediate seating-area'. How about we just call it 'seat' and say 'please check around your seat.' Now comes 'personal belongings'. Well what other kind of belongings are there beside personal belongings? Public belongings, perhaps? Do these people honestly suspect me to travel with a fountain that I stole from the park? Last part: 'brought on-board' Oh really? I might have brought my whole shoe collection! Guess what? I didn't! So... I am not going to waste my time and look for it. I am obviously going to look for the things that I brought on-board for it would enhance the likelihood of my finding, wouldn't you say?

About this time, they will say: 'ladies and gentlemen, we are landing shortly.' Are we going to miss the runway or something? Phrases such as 'final approach' aren't very promising either, are they? After all, the word 'final' would probably not be such a good word to use on an aeroplane. Sometimes, even the pilot will say something along the lines of 'ladies and gentlemen, we will be on the ground in fifteen minutes.' Well, that's a little vague, isn't it? Now we are taxiing in and the stewardess says: 'Welcome to Heathrow Airport, ladies and gentlemen.' Tell me sister; how can someone, who is on the same god damn aeroplane and just arriving herself, welcome me? Doesn't this violate some fundamental law of physics? We're on the ground for five seconds and this bitch is coming on like the bloody wife of the Mayor of London! Then they go about saying: '...the local time is...' well slap me please? Of course it's the local time! What did you expect, the time in Cairngorms National Park, you nitwit?

They go on and say: 'Ladies and gentlemen, please remain seated while the Captain brings the aeroplane to a complete stop.' Really? A complete stop? Are you sure you do not mean a partial stop? 'Please continue to observe the non-smoking sign until you're well inside the terminal.' Oh I am sorry, but it's physically impossible to observe the non-smoking sign standing just outside the door of the aeroplane, much less well inside the terminal. You can't even see the fucking other aeroplanes from inside the terminal, let alone the bloody non-smoking sign! When you walk out they say: 'Enjoy your time in London or wherever you final destination might be, sir.' All destinations are final... that's what it means; 'destiny' and 'final', my god. If you have not arrived at your destination yet, you have not arrived yet, now have you?

This is why, yours truly here flies 'ShroombuckAir'.
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Shroombuck
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Re: The Glorious Quotation Topic

Post by Shroombuck »

Shroombuck wrote:If you travel as much as I do you appreciate the improvements in aeroplane design of less noise and more comfort – provided you don't travel in something called Economy class, which sounds ghastly.
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Jesse
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Re: The Glorious Quotation Topic

Post by Jesse »

Shroombuck wrote:But yes, I am fortunate enough to have had a proper education.
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Kaito
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Re: The Glorious Quotation Topic

Post by Kaito »

From Lord Shroom's "Ensign for a day"....
Shroombuck wrote:Jesus waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They would be all, "Hey Jesus, what's up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What's up? I died yesterday!" and they would be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the people would be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, three. Plus it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already, and they are all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is dead", and then Whoopadidoop! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and that is when he invented the high five. ...
Respectfully,

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Costello
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Re: The Glorious Quotation Topic

Post by Costello »

Shroombuck wrote:My thread revivals are glorious, so if you post that picture again, I will stuff so much cotton wool down your throat it will come out your arse like the tail on a Playboy bunny.
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Costello
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Re: The Glorious Quotation Topic

Post by Costello »

Jesse wrote:I see that the number of visible breasts on our website has increased substantially. Nice work Artful!
Silverado wrote:Banned for thinking Costello could be wrong.
Shroombuck wrote:Artful owned back then, he sure did...
Janeway wrote:If you want, I can go find you the bluntest, largest, and most defining silhouette for you to command. Might not exactly be the sharpest looking ship on the block but at least it'll fit your need for "masculine destruction".
Julia Mateus wrote:[11/8 3:10] Julia Mateus@Aislin_Avari: Costello leaves, the average IQ of the game drops
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EVOXSNES
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Re: The Glorious Quotation Topic

Post by EVOXSNES »

Infected Space Elite, Star Trek Online.
Artful wrote:Who is this thick motherfucker?
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Kaito
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Re: The Glorious Quotation Topic

Post by Kaito »

Picard wrote:....When I created FC I made one promise, that we would put mutual respect at the forefront of our values as a community.
Respectfully,

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DaDigi
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Re: The Glorious Quotation Topic

Post by DaDigi »

Kaito wrote:
Picard wrote:....When I created FC I made one promise, that we would put mutual respect at the forefront of our values as a community.
What a shame so few share those values.
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Jesse
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Re: The Glorious Quotation Topic

Post by Jesse »

DaDigi wrote:
Kaito wrote:
Picard wrote:....When I created FC I made one promise, that we would put mutual respect at the forefront of our values as a community.
What a shame so few share those values.
Those are just generic leadership words. It's like with religion. People take words too seriously. They become invested in the words. Then they believe in the words. And they get upset when others don't believe the words too.

FC is a family. Family members don't always get along or even respect each other. But they are related through blood, and with us through trek and shared history. Family is much harder to kill than friendship. Which is why Digi is still here. Boy I've tried and tried and tried to keep him away, but he keeps coming back. So I give up. That's what family is all about. :lol:
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